A LuciusHarry Badfic
by Matagot
Summary: Where Lucius Malfoy and Harry Potter have mad monkey sex and Dumbledore is a drag queen in hiding.Based on an Oekaki I did, but it deviates far from the original 'plotline'.


Badfic attempt #3: success?

Harry and Lucius had just finished a rather vigourous bout of buggery, Harry's dorm mates having been nice enough to stay asleep throughout the night, when Harry suddenly collapsed, his bright green, luminous, emerald eyes widening before darkening to more of a blackish-green colour, much like that of old baby shite, as they closed.

"Harry! My love!" exclaimed Lucius, his grey, piercing, silver eyes filling with tears of pain-sadness-heartache-angst. ( coughemocough )

At that precise moment, the Headmaster burst into the dorm dramatically, his voluminous, magnificent, flowing, tacky orange robes billowing behind him in a rather Snape-like manner as he glided-slid-flowed down the red plush carpet, laid down by the house elves not yet liberated by S.P.E.W. ™ especially for him, since Merlin only knows how delicate and sensitive his feet are, and nearly glided-slid-flowed right past the sobbing-crying-wailing Lucius and the twitching Harry. ( Oh god, the run-on-ness of it all. ;o; )

He came to a stop just a few centimetres past the couple and cursed to himself, for now he had to do the scene over again. Those damnable centimetres.

As the scene was being redone, Dumbledore's twinkling, merry, shining, blue eyes twinkled-merried-shone-blued at Lucius, his left hand hidden in his flowing, voluminous, tacky robes making strange _fwip_ping noises, while the other secretly counted down to...

All of a sudden, Hermione, who just happened to have been nearby, crashed into the doors to the boys' dorm, for Ron thought it quite cold and had sleep-closed the door, failing to notice that the somewhat refreshing breeze was due to his lack of undergarments. After trying every spell she knew, which is quite a lot, let me tell you, and some she did not, she meekly-quietly-shyly took the door by the handle and pulled, causing it to shriek-scream-wail in pain-agony-hurtiness, before grabbing the doorknob and yanking open the door, only to find that she had somehow stumbled upon the professors McGonagall and Sprout in a rather compromising position, though she had no clue as to how this happened since she was pretty damned sure that she had been near the boys' dorm just a few seconds ago.

Due to this horrific, disturbing, alarming display that was surely there only to shock Her Grand Highness, the One who Knows All, Miss Hermione Granger herself, her eyes bulged out, protruding from the sockets in a most ghastly manner, and promptly exploded, leaving the blood, eye-goo, and damaged brain matter to drip-leak-seep out of her eye sockets and cause severe internal damage to her left breast, which had gotten somewhat disfigured and stale due to an _engorgio_ gone wonky, which then killed her extremely slowly and with a maximum amount of pain.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore's eyes took on a much happier twinkle, for he now had another dolly to add to his ever-growing, envied-by-all collection. She and his several month old, rather beat up Sirius™ dolly could play 'house' and 'doctor' and 'who has the bigger penis' together and it would be so, so thrilling that he couldn't help but jump for joy, clapping his hands, and twirling in place exactly like a little girl, just like his daddy told him he'd be.

This earned him incredulous stares from both the poker-faced, Malfoy Sneer™-ing Lucius and the newly reawakened-by-an-unknown-source Harry.

'_Oh bugger_,' he thought, '_now I can't have a Harry™ for my collection! O unkind world, how canst thou be so cruel_?' And with that, he burst into tears, his right hand flying-whooshing-speeding to his face to cover his wide, teary, twinkling, pitiful, blue eyes and trembling, wobbling, wibbling lip, since his left hand was still quite busy inside his robes and-

"Oy!" The reawakened Harry shouted, causing Lucius' eardrum to shatter into a thousand different little pieces of man-flesh and cartilage and cause all the blood in his head, the upper one, to pool in the brain cavity and successfully cut off all oxygen, thereby killing his now-dead, thrice-as-old-as-he ex-lover.

"You bitch! You made me kill him!1" he shouted once more.

However, his voice had grown hoarse from all the shouting he did throughout the night and unfortunately, he could not complete his last ! properly, causing it to appear as a 1 and being immediately apprehended by the Grammar Police, otherwise known as the Elitist Bitches, and beaten to death with mouldy salami sticks, for the heinous crime of sounding like a Gaia slash IRC noob.

The End

A/N:

Please note that this is _not_ how the story was supposed to go. T'was supposed to be longer, and have more of an actual _plot_ instead of this rubbish.

Based on the image that follows:

(remove the spaces)

http // www . rakugaki . aesiraven . com / bullshit / pictures / 337 . png


End file.
